Bart's blackboard gags

One of the staples of the Simpsons' opening credits is the blackboard gag. Bart writes something on the chalkboard as a punishment, quite often ironic. Here we list them all, including screenshots where useful. Any episodes not listed here do not have blackboard gags.

Season 1

Bart the Genius: I WILL NOT WASTE CHALK
Homer's Odyssey: I WILL NOT SKATEBOARD IN THE HALLS
There's No Disgrace Like Home: I WILL NOT BURP IN CLASS
Moaning Lisa: I WILL NOT INSTIGATE REVOLUTION
Call of the Simpsons: I WILL NOT DRAW NAKED LADIES IN CLASS
The Telltale Head: I DID NOT SEE ELVIS
Homer's Night Out: I WILL NOT CALL MY TEACHER "HOT CAKES"
The Crepes of Wrath: GARLIC GUM IS NOT FUNNY
Krusty Gets Busted: THEY ARE LAUGHING AT ME, NOT WITH ME
Some Enchanted Evening: I WILL NOT YELL "FIRE" IN A CROWDED CLASSROOM

Season 2

Bart Gets an F: I WILL NOT ENCOURAGE OTHERS TO FLY; Bart writes the following during the episode:
I WILL NOT FAKE MY WAY THROUGH LIFE
Simpson and Delilah: TAR IS NOT A PLAYTHING
Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish: I WILL NOT XEROX MY BUTT; A later airing of this episode used the following quote, a reference to a spelling gaffe by the then Vice President Dan Quayle at a school:
IT'S POTATO, NOT POTATOE
Dancin' Homer: I WILL NOT TRADE PANTS WITH OTHERS
Dead Putting Society: I AM NOT A 32 YEAR OLD WOMAN
Bart vs. Thanksgiving: I WILL NOT DO THAT THING WITH MY TONGUE
Bart the Daredevil: I WILL NOT DRIVE THE PRINCIPAL'S CAR
Itchy & Scratchy & Marge: I WILL NOT PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO BART
Bart Gets Hit By A Car: I WILL NOT SELL SCHOOL PROPERTY
One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish: I WILL NOT CUT CORNERS
Bart uses ditto marks on the subsequent lines.
The Way We Was: I WILL NOT GET VERY FAR WITH THIS ATTITUDE
Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment: I WILL NOT MAKE FLATULENT NOISES IN CLASS
Principal Charming: I WILL NOT BELCH THE NATIONAL ANTHEM
Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?: I WILL NOT SELL LAND IN FLORIDA
Bart's Dog Gets an F: I WILL NOT SELL SCHOOL PROPERTY
Repeated from Bart Gets Hit By A Car.
Old Money: I WILL NOT GREASE THE MONKEY BARS
Brush with Greatness: I WILL NOT HIDE BEHIND THE FIFTH AMENDMENT
The War of the Simpsons: I WILL NOT DO ANYTHING BAD EVER AGAIN
Three Men and a Comic Book: I WILL NOT SHOW OFF
This gag was written in fancy gothic-style lettering.
Blood Feud: I WILL NOT SLEEP THROUGH MY EDUCATION

Season 3

Stark Raving Dad: I AM NOT A DENTIST
Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington: SPIT WADS ARE NOT FREE SPEECH
When Flanders Failed: NOBODY LIKES SUNBURN SLAPPERS
Bart the Murderer: HIGH EXPLOSIVES AND SCHOOL DON'T MIX; Bart must write the following during the episode:
I WILL NOT BRIBE PRINCIPAL SKINNER
Homer Defined: I WILL NOT SQUEAK CHALK
As you might guess, Bart squeaks the chalk while writing this.
Like Father, Like Clown: I WILL FINISH WHAT I STA
There was only one line on the board this time.
Lisa's Pony: "BART BUCKS" ARE NOT LEGAL TENDER
Saturdays of Thunder: I WILL NOT FAKE RABIES
Flaming Moe's: UNDERWEAR SHOULD BE WORN ON THE INSIDE
Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk: THE CHRISTMAS PAGEANT DOES NOT STINK
I Married Marge: I WILL NOT TORMENT THE EMOTIONALLY FRAIL
Radio Bart: I WILL NOT CARVE GODS
Homer Alone: I WILL NOT SPANK OTHERS
Homer at the Bat: I WILL NOT AIM FOR THE HEAD
Separate Vocations: I WILL NOT BARF UNLESS I'M SICK; Bart also wrote as punishment during the episode:
I WILL NOT EXPOSE THE IGNORANCE OF THE FACULTY
Dog of Death: I SAW NOTHING UNUSUAL IN THE TEACHER'S LOUNGE
Colonel Homer: I WILL NOT CONDUCT MY OWN FIRE DRILLS
Black Widower: FUNNY NOISES ARE NOT FUNNY
The Otto Show: I WILL NOT SPIN THE TURTLE
Bart's Friend Falls in Love: I WILL NOT SNAP BRAS
Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?: I WILL NOT FAKE SEIZURES

Season 4

Kamp Krusty: THIS PUNISHMENT IS NOT BORING AND POINTLESS
A Streetcar Named Marge: MY NAME IS NOT DR. DEATH
Homer the Heretic: I WILL NOT DEFAME NEW ORLEANS
This gag was introduced after there was an uproar from the city of New Orleans about the defamatory song in previous episode.
Lisa the Beauty Queen: I WILL NOT PRESCRIBE MEDICATION
Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie: I WILL NOT BURY THE NEW KID; Marge writes the following during the parent/teacher meeting:
I WILL TRY TO RAISE A BETTER CHILD
Marge Gets a Job: I WILL NOT TEACH OTHERS TO FLY
New Kid on the Block: I WILL NOT BRING SHEEP TO CLASS
Mr. Plow: A BURP IS NOT AN ANSWER
Lisa's First Word: TEACHER IS NOT A LEPER
Homer's Triple Bypass: COFFEE IS NOT FOR KIDS
This was written in a messy scrawl.
Marge vs. the Monorail: I WILL NOT EAT THINGS FOR MONEY
Selma's Choice: I WILL NOT YELL "SHE'S DEAD" DURING ROLL CALL
Brother from the Same Planet: THE PRINCIPAL'S TOUPEE IS NOT A FRISBEE
I Love Lisa: I WILL NOT CALL THE PRINCIPAL "SPUD HEAD"
Duffless: GOLDFISH DON'T BOUNCE
Last Exit to Springfield: MUD IS NOT ONE OF THE 4 FOOD GROUPS
So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show: NO ONE IS INTERESTED IN MY UNDERPANTS
The Front: I WILL NOT SELL MIRACLE CURES
Whacking Day: I WILL RETURN THE SEEING-EYE DOG
Marge in Chains: I DO NOT HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Krusty Gets Kancelled: I WILL NOT CHARGE ADMISSION TO THE BATHROOM

Season 5

Homer's Barbershop Quartet: I WILL NEVER WIN AN EMMY
Cape Feare: THE CAFETERIA DEEP FRYER IS NOT A TOY
The Last Temptation of Homer: ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES BART A DULL BOY
$pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling): I WILL NOT SAY "SPRINGFIELD" JUST TO GET APPLAUSE
Homer the Vigilante: I AM NOT AUTHORIZED TO FIRE SUBSTITUTE TEACHERS
Bart Gets Famous: MY HOMEWORK WAS NOT STOLEN BY A ONE-ARMED MAN
Homer and Apu: I WILL NOT GO NEAR THE KINDERGARTEN TURTLE
Homer Loves Flanders: I AM NOT DELIGHTFULLY SAUCY
Bart Gets an Elephant: ORGAN TRANSPLANTS ARE BEST LEFT TO THE PROFESSIONALS
Burns' Heir: THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE DOES NOT END WITH "HAIL SATAN"
Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadassss Song: I WILL NOT CELEBRATE MEANINGLESS MILESTONES
This is the 100th episode.
The Boy Who Knew Too Much: THERE ARE PLENTY OF BUSINESSES LIKE SHOW BUSINESS
Lady Bouvier's Lover: I WILL NOT RE-TRANSMIT WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL
Secrets of a Successful Marriage: FIVE DAYS IS NOT TOO LONG TO WAIT FOR A GUN

Season 6

Bart of Darkness: BEANS ARE NEITHER FRUIT NOR MUSICAL
Lisa's Rival: NO ONE IS INTERESTED IN MY UNDERPANTS
This is a repeat of the gag from So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show, however, the layout is different.
Another Simpsons Clip Show: I WILL NOT USE ABBREV.
Itchy & Scratchy Land: I AM NOT THE REINCARNATION OF SAMMY DAVIS JR.
Bart's Girlfriend: I WILL NOT SEND LARD THROUGH THE MAIL
Lisa on Ice: I WILL NOT DISSECT THINGS UNLESS INSTRUCTED
Homer: Bad Man: I WILL NOT WHITTLE HALL PASSES OUT OF SOAP
Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy: MY HOMEWORK WAS NOT STOLEN BY A ONE-ARMED MAN
Repeated from Bart Gets Famous.
Fear of Flying: RALPH WON'T "MORPH" IF YOU SQUEEZE HIM HARD ENOUGH
Homer the Great: ADDING "JUST KIDDING" DOESN'T MAKE IT OKAY TO INSULT THE PRINCIPAL
And Maggie Makes Three: "BAGMAN" IS NOT A LEGITIMATE CAREER CHOICE
Bart's Comet: CURSIVE WRITING DOES NOT MEAN WHAT I THINK IT DOES
Homie the Clown: NEXT TIME IT COULD BE ME ON THE SCAFFOLDING
Bart vs. Australia: I WILL NOT HANG DONUTS ON MY PERSON
Homer vs. Patty and Selma: I WILL REMEMBER TO TAKE MY MEDICATION
Lisa's Wedding: I WILL NOT STRUT AROUND LIKE I OWN THE PLACE
Two Dozen and One Greyhounds: THE GOOD HUMOR MAN CAN ONLY BE PUSHED SO FAR
The PTA Disbands: I DO NOT HAVE POWER OF ATTORNEY OVER FIRST GRADERS
'Round Springfield: NERVE GAS IS NOT A TOY
The Springfield Connection: I WILL NOT MOCK MRS. DUMBFACE
Lemon of Troy: THE FIRST AMENDMENT DOES NOT COVER BURPING
Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part One): THIS IS NOT A CLUE... OR IS IT?
This episodes contains clues about who shot Mr. Burns...

Season 7

Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part Two): I WILL NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT THE SOLUTION WHEN I HEAR IT
...and in this episode the identity of who shot Burns is revealed.
Radioactive Man: "BEWITCHED" DOES NOT PROMOTE SATANISM
Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily: NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR FROM MY ARMPITS
Bart Sells His Soul: I AM NOT A LEAN MEAN SPITTING MACHINE
Lisa the Vegetarian: THE BOYS ROOM IS NOT A WATER PARK
King Size Homer: INDIAN BURNS ARE NOT OUR CULTURAL HERITAGE
Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming: WEDGIES ARE UNHEALTHY FOR CHILDREN AND OTHER LIVING THINGS
The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular: I WILL ONLY DO THIS ONCE A YEAR
This episode is a clip show.
Marge Be Not Proud: I WILL STOP TALKING ABOUT THE TWELVE INCH PIANIST
Team Homer: I AM NOT CERTIFIED TO REMOVE ASBESTOS

Season 8

You Only Move Twice: I DID NOT LEARN EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW IN KINDERGARTEN
The Homer They Fall: I AM NOT MY LONG-LOST TWIN
Lisa's Date with Density: Lisa writes the following during the episode:
I WILL NOT BE A SNICKERPUSS.
The Springfield Files: THE TRUTH IS NOT OUT THERE
One of the numerous references to the X-Files, upon which this episode is based.
The Twisted World of Marge Simpson: I AM NOT LICENSED TO DO ANYTHING
Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala (Annoyed Grunt) cious: I WILL NOT HIDE THE TEACHER'S PROZAC
The Canine Mutiny: A FIRE DRILL DOES NOT DEMAND A FIRE

Season 9

Lisa's Sax: I NO LONGER WANT MY MTV
The Cartridge Family: EVERYONE IS TIRED OF THAT RICHARD GERE STORY
Bart Star: I DID NOT INVENT IRISH DANCING
Lisa the Skeptic: I WILL NOT TEASE FATTY
Realty Bites: THERE WAS NO ROMAN GOD NAMED "FARTICUS"
Miracle on Evergreen Terrace: RUDOLPH'S RED NOSE IS NOT ALCOHOL-RELATED
The Joy of Sect: SHOOTING PAINTBALLS IS NOT AN ART FORM
The Last Temptation of Krust: PAIN IS NOT THE CLEANSER
Dumbbell Indemnity: SILLY STRING IS NOT A NASAL SPRAY
This Little Wiggy: I WAS NOT TOLD TO DO THIS
Simpson Tide: MY BUTT DOES NOT DESERVE A WEBSITE
The Trouble With Trillions: I WILL NOT DEMAND WHAT I'M WORTH
A reference to the voice artists striking for more money.
Trash of the Titans: I WILL NOT MESS WITH THE OPENING CREDITS
This was actually used in the spot where the couch gag normally is; the rest of the family run into Bart's classroom where he is writing this message.
Lost Our Lisa: I AM NOT THE NEW DALAI LAMA
Natural Born Kissers: I WAS NOT THE INSPIRATION FOR "KRAMER"
This episode first aired shortly after the last ever episode of Seinfeld.

Season 10

The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace: I WILL NOT FILE FRIVOLOUS LAWSUITS
Treehouse of Horror IX: THE SIMPSONS HALLOWEEN SPECIAL IX
Bart paints this on the blackboard in blood.
When You Dish Upon A Star: BUTT.COM IS NOT MY E-MAIL ADDRESS
Apparently "BUTT.COM" was changed to "BUTT.BUTT" in later airings, due to the former being an actual (adult) website. However, I haven't ever seen the latter in use; I believe most non-U.S. airings use the original.
D'oh-in' in the Wind: NO ONE CARES WHAT MY DEFINITION OF "IS" IS
Lisa Gets an "A": I WILL NOT SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM
Homer Simpson in: "Kidney Trouble": I AM NOT A LICENSED HAIRSTYLIST
Mayored to the Mob: "THE PRESIDENT DID IT" IS NOT AN EXCUSE
First aired after Clinton became the first elected President to be impeached.
Viva Ned Flanders: MY MOM IS NOT DATING JERRY SEINFELD
Wild Barts Can't Be Broken: SHERRI DOES NOT "GOT BACK"
Sunday, Cruddy Sunday: I WILL NOT DO THE DIRTY BIRD
Homer to the Max: NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT MY SCIATICA
I'm With Cupid: HILLBILLIES ARE PEOPLE TOO
Marge Simpson in: "Screaming Yellow Honkers": GRAMMAR IS NOT A TIME OF WASTE
Make Room for Lisa: I DO NOT HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Recycled from Marge in Chains.
Maximum Homerdrive: IT DOES NOT SUCK TO BE YOU
Simpsons Bible Stories: I CANNOT ABSOLVE SINS; Bart also wrote a blackboard gag in hieroglyphics during the episode; it translates as:
EYE WELL KNOT D-FACE
Mom and Pop Art: A TRAINED APE COULD NOT TEACH GYM
The Old Man and The "C" Student: LOOSE TEETH DON'T NEED MY HELP
Monty Can't Buy Me Love: I HAVE NEITHER BEEN THERE NOR DONE THAT
They Saved Lisa's Brain: NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR FROM MY ARMPITS
Recycled from Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily.
Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo: I AM SO VERY TIRED

Season 11

Beyond Blunderdome: FRIDAYS ARE NOT "PANTS OPTIONAL"
Brother's Little Helper: PORK IS NOT A VERB
Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner?: I AM NOT THE LAST DON
E-I-E-I-(ANNOYED GRUNT): I DID NOT WIN THE NOBEL FART PRIZE
Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder: I WON'T NOT USE NO DOUBLE NEGATIVES
Eight Misbehavin': INDIAN BURNS ARE NOT OUR CULTURAL HERITAGE
Reused from King Size Homer.
Take My Wife, Sleaze: I CAN'T SEE DEAD PEOPLE
Grift of the Magi: I WILL NOT SELL MY KIDNEY ON eBAY
This is first blackboard gag not written entirely in capitals.; During the episode, Lisa writes:
I WILL NOT DO MATH IN CLASS
Little Big Mom: I WILL NOT CREATE ART FROM DUNG
Faith Off: I WILL STOP PHONING IT IN
The Mansion Family: CLASS CLOWN IS NOT A PAID POSITION
Saddlesore Galactica: SUBSTITUTE TEACHERS ARE NOT SCABS
Alone Again, Natura-Diddly: MY SUSPENSION WAS NOT "MUTUAL"
Missionary: Impossible: A BELCH IS NOT AN ORAL REPORT
Pygmoelian: DODGE BALL STOPS AT THE GYM DOOR
Bart to the Future: "NON-FLAMMABLE" IS NOT A CHALLENGE
Days of Wine and D'oh'ses: I WAS NOT TOUCHED "THERE" BY AN ANGEL
Kill the Alligator and Run: I AM NOT HERE ON A FARTBALL SCHOLARSHIP
Last Tap Dance in Springfield: I WILL NOT DANCE ON ANYONE'S GRAVE
It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge: I CANNOT HIRE A SUBSTITUTE STUDENT
Behind the Laughter: I WILL NOT OBEY THE VOICES IN MY HEAD

Season 12

A Tale of Two Springfields: I WILL NOT PLANT SUBLIMINAL MESSAGORES
This episode was first shown during the 2004 U.S. election (when Al Gore was running for President), and is a reference to subliminal messaging claims during said election.
Insane Clown Poppy: I WILL NOT SURPRISE THE INCONTINENT
Lisa the Tree Hugger: I AM NOT THE ACTING PRESIDENT
Refers to the U.S. election debacle of 2004.
Homer vs. Dignity: I WAS NOT THE SIXTH BEATLE
The Computer Wore Menace Shoes: I WILL ONLY PROVIDE A URINE SAMPLE WHEN ASKED
The Great Money Caper: THE NURSE IS NOT DEALING
Skinner's Sense of Snow: SCIENCE CLASS SHOULD NOT END IN TRAGEDY; During the episode, Bart forces Skinner to write:
I AIN'T NOT A DORKUS
HOMR: NETWORK TV IS NOT DEAD
Pokey Mom: I WILL NOT "LET THE DOGS OUT"
Worst Episode Ever: I WILL NOT HIDE THE TEACHER'S MEDICATION
This is very similar to the chalkboard gag in Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala (Annoyed Grunt) cious.
Tennis the Menace: I WILL NOT PUBLISH THE PRINCIPAL'S CREDIT REPORT
Day of the Jackanapes: THE HAMSTER DID NOT HAVE "A FULL LIFE"
New Kids on the Blecch: I WILL NOT BUY A PRESIDENTIAL PARDON
Yet another reference to ex-President Clinton.
Hungry, Hungry Homer: "TEMPTATION ISLAND" WAS NOT A SLEAZY PIECE OF CRAP
Bye Bye Nerdie: I WILL NOT SCARE THE VICE PRESIDENT
Simpson Safari: I WILL NOT FLUSH EVIDENCE
Trilogy of Error: FIRE IS NOT THE CLEANSER
I'm Goin' to Praiseland: GENETICS IS NOT AN EXCUSE
Children of a Lesser Clod: TODAY IS NOT MOTHRA'S DAY
Originally broadcast on Mother's Day.
Simpsons Tall Tales: I SHOULD NOT BE TWENTY-ONE BY NOW
A reference to the fact that characters don't age on the show.

Season 13

The Parent Rap: NOBODY READS THESE ANYMORE
Homer the Moe: A BURP IN A JAR IS NOT A SCIENCE PROJECT
Hunka Hunka Burns in Love: FUN DOES NOT HAVE A SIZE
The Blunder Years: I AM NOT CHARLIE BROWN ON ACID
She of Little Faith: I DO NOT HAVE A CEREAL NAMED AFTER ME
Half Decent Proposal: I WILL NOT BITE THE HAND THAT FEEDS ME BUTTERFINGERS
A reference to a joke in Sweets and Sour Marge about Butterfingers.
The Bart Wants What it Wants: THE GIVING TREE IS NOT A CHUMP
The Lastest Gun in the West: MAKING MILHOUSE CRY IS NOT A SCIENCE PROJECT
Tales from the Public Domain: VAMPIRE IS NOT A CAREER CHOICE
Very similar to the quote from And Maggie Makes Three.
The Sweetest Apu: I WILL NEVER LIE ABOUT BEING CANCELLED AGAIN
This came shortly after Matt Groening's comment about the show, "we're closer to winding it up", was apparently misinterpreted.

Season 14

Bart Vs. Lisa Vs. The Third Grade: FISH DO NOT LIKE COFFEE
Helter Shelter: MILHOUSE DID NOT TEST COOTIE POSITIVE
Strong Arms Of The Ma: THIS SCHOOL DOES NOT NEED A "REGIME CHANGE"
A reference to the war in Iraq.
Pray Anything: SPONGEBOB IS NOT A CONTRACEPTIVE
Barting Over: I WILL NOT
Bart then chops up the blackboard with an axe.
Old Yeller-Belly: MY PEN IS NOT A BOOGIE LAUNCHER
The Bart of War: SANDWICHES SHOULD NOT CONTAIN SAND

Season 15

Today, I Am a Clown: OVER FORTY AND SINGLE IS NOT FUNNY
The Ziff Who Came to Dinner: I WILL NOT SPECULATE ON HOW HOT TEACHER USED TO BE

Season 16

She Used to Be My Girl: POKING A DEAD RACCOON IS NOT RESEARCH
On a Clear Day I Can't See My Sister: BEER IN A MILK CARTON IS NOT MILK
Home Away From Homer: A BOOGER IS NOT A BOOKMARK

Season 17

Bonfire of the Manatees: DOES ANY KID STILL DO THIS ANYMORE?
Homer's Paternity Coot: I AM NOT SMARTER THAN THE PRESIDENT
We're On The Road To D'ohwhere: TEACHER WAS NOT DUMPED -- IT WAS MUTUAL
Homer Simpson, This Is Your Wife: I WILL NOT EAT THINGS FOR MONEY
The opening sequence in this episode was completely live-action. The actual line is reused from Marge vs. the Monorail.
Million Dollar Abie: I WILL NOT FLIP THE CLASSROOM UPSIDE DOWN
Everything in the classroom is upside down, including Bart.
Regarding Margie: I WILL NOT LEAK THE PLOT OF THE MOVIE
This episode aired soon after a teaser trailer for The Simpsons Movie was released in theatres, and is a reference to the numerous fake plots that were circulating round the internet at the time.
The Monkey Suit: JE NE PARLE FRAÇIAS
This is French for "I do not speak French"
Marge and Homer Turn a Couple Play: HAVE A GREAT SUMMER, EVERYONE
This episode is the Season 17 finale. This quote is the first that doesn't make sense in the context of Bart's punishment.

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