Mr. Simpson, don’t you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn’t on, but I think I got the gist of it.— Hutz
Mr. Burns: So, another Friday is upon us. What will you be doing, Smithers? Something gay, no doubt!
Smithers: (shocked) What?
Mr. Burns: You know. Light-hearted, fancy-free. "Mothers, lock up your daughters! Smithers is on the town!"
Smithers: Exactly, sir! (nervous laughter)
Moe: Another Duff, Homer?
Homer: Nah, it's Friday night Moe, I wanna try something special.
Moe: Uh...sure, sure. (writes on Duff bottle). Here you go...Düff. From Sweden.
Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around the city, keeping its speed over fifty. And if its speed dropped, the bus would explode! I think it was called... "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."
Nimoy: Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer...is 'no'.
Homer: Well, it's 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.
Homer: It was an alien, Marge! It appeared in front of me and said "Don't be Afraid."
Marge: Have you been drinking?
Homer: No! Well, ten beers.
Homer: The alien has a sweet, heavenly voice... like Urkel! And he appears every Friday night... like Urkel!
Wiggum: Well, your story is very compelling, Mr. Jackass, I mean, uh, Simpson. So, I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter!
Homer: You don't have to humiliate me. (walks off)
Man: (walks in) I just torched a building downtown, and I'm afraid I'll do it again!
Wiggum: Oh, yeah, right. I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter!
Mulder: All right, Homer. We want you to re-create your every move the night you saw this alien.
Homer: Well, the evening began at the gentleman's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI.
Homer: We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. You happy?
Homer: Oh Marge, I never felt so alone. No one believes me... Uh, this is the part where you're suppose to say "I believe you, Homer".
Marge: I don't believe you, Homer.
Homer: You do? Oh, Marge, you've made me so happy!
Marge: You're not listening. You're only hearing what you wanna hear.
Homer: Thanks! I'd love an omelet right about now.
Bart: Hey, Dad, can I have a sip of your beer?
Homer: Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies, and kids with fake IDs.
Scully: Now, we're going to run a few tests. This is a simple lie detector. I'll ask you a few yes or no questions and you just answer truthfully. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes. (the lie detector explodes)
Mulder: Wait a minute, Scully. What's the point of this test?
Scully: No point. I just thought he could stand to lose a little weight.
Mulder: His jiggling is almost hypnotic.
Scully: Yes. It's like a lava lamp.
Homer: So, I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the end.
Moe: Oh, who thought a whale could be so heavy?!
Homer: This Friday, we're going back to the woods and we're going to find that alien!
Bart: What if we don't?
Homer: We'll fake it, and sell it to the Fox network.
Bart: They'll buy anything.
Homer: Now, son, they do a lot of quality programming, too... (they both break out in laughter)
Kent Brockman: The alien has appeared in the same Springfield pasture the past two Friday nights. Will it appear again this Friday? The entire Channel 6 news team will be there, except for Bill, the boom mike operator, who's getting fired tomorrow. (boom mic falls and hits him in the head) Very unprofessional, Bill.
Lenny: It's bringing love! Don't let it get away!
Dr. Nick: The most rewarding part was when he gave me my money.