I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.— Homer
Homer: Another day, another box of stolen pens.
Skinner: Blast it, woman! You parked too close. Move your car!
Mrs. Krabappel: I'm in the lines! You got a problem, go tell your momma.
Skinner: Oh, don't worry: she'll hear about this.
Charlie: Well, sir, I won't bore you with the details of our miraculous escape, but we desperately need a real emergency exit!
Mr. Burns: Why, that's a fabulous idea! Anything else you'd like? How about real lead in the radiation shields? Urinal cakes, maybe?
Lenny: Aw, if they hire a woman we won't be able to spit on the floor.
Carl: And we can't take off our pants when it gets real hot.
Homer: And we won't be able to pee in the drinking fountain... (Lenny and Carl stare at him) Er, I mean, not... you know, if we wanted to... not that I ever did...
Homer: I got this friend named... Joey Jo-Jo... Junior... Shabadoo.
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard. (a man runs out crying)
Barney: Hey, Joey Jo-Jo!
Homer: I'm attracted to another woman! What am I going to do?
Barney: Your infatuation is based on a physical attraction. Talk to the woman and you'll realize you have nothing in common.
Homer: Barney, that is so insightfuI. How did you come up with that?
Barney: It was on one of these bar napkins.
Guardian Angel: Homer, I'm your guardian angel. I've assumed the form of someone you'd recognize and revere: Sir Isaac Newton.
Homer: Sir Isa-who-who?
Lisa: Dad, why are you singing?
Homer: (thinking) Tell a lie, tell a lie. (aloud) Uh, because I have a small role in a Broadway musical. It's not much, but it's a start. (thinking) Bravo! [slow clapping]
Homer: Stop that! I love my wife and family. All I'm gonna use this bed for is sleeping, eating, and maybe building a little fort.
Mindy: Well, desserts aren't always right.
Homer: But they're so sweet!