Business is slow. People today are healthier and drinking less. You know, if it wasn’t for the junior high school next door, no one would even use the cigarette machine.— Moe
Homer: Another day, another box of stolen pens.
Skinner: Blast it, woman! You parked too close. Move your car!
Mrs. Krabappel: I'm in the lines! You got a problem, go tell your momma.
Skinner: Oh, don't worry: she'll hear about this.
Charlie: Well, sir, I won't bore you with the details of our miraculous escape, but we desperately need a real emergency exit!
Mr. Burns: Why, that's a fabulous idea! Anything else you'd like? How about real lead in the radiation shields? Urinal cakes, maybe?
Lenny: Aw, if they hire a woman we won't be able to spit on the floor.
Carl: And we can't take off our pants when it gets real hot.
Homer: And we won't be able to pee in the drinking fountain... (Lenny and Carl stare at him) Er, I mean, not... you know, if we wanted to... not that I ever did...
Homer: I got this friend named... Joey Jo-Jo... Junior... Shabadoo.
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard. (a man runs out crying)
Barney: Hey, Joey Jo-Jo!
Homer: I'm attracted to another woman! What am I going to do?
Barney: Your infatuation is based on a physical attraction. Talk to the woman and you'll realize you have nothing in common.
Homer: Barney, that is so insightfuI. How did you come up with that?
Barney: It was on one of these bar napkins.
Guardian Angel: Homer, I'm your guardian angel. I've assumed the form of someone you'd recognize and revere: Sir Isaac Newton.
Homer: Sir Isa-who-who?
Lisa: Dad, why are you singing?
Homer: (thinking) Tell a lie, tell a lie. (aloud) Uh, because I have a small role in a Broadway musical. It's not much, but it's a start. (thinking) Bravo! [slow clapping]
Homer: Stop that! I love my wife and family. All I'm gonna use this bed for is sleeping, eating, and maybe building a little fort.
Mindy: Well, desserts aren't always right.
Homer: But they're so sweet!