I would like to see this money spent on more police officers. I have been shot eight times this year and as a result I almost missed work.— Apu
Smithers: On another topic, the preparations for your birthday have begun.
Mr. Burns: I won't get what I really want.
Smithers: No one does. (He imagines Burns appearing half-naked out of a cake and singing happy birthday to him.)
Marge: What are you doing?
Homer: I'm writing a delicious send-up of Mr. Burns for his birthday party. Is poo-poo one word or two?
Homer: Now, I'm not saying Mr. Burns is incontinent...
Bart: Incontinent! (laughs) Too rich!
Lisa: Does either of you know what incontinent means?
Homer: Lisa, don't spoil our fun.
Man: You've gotta start selling this for more than a dollar a bag. We lost four more men on this expedition.
Apu: If you can think of a better way to get ice, I'd like to hear it.
Bart: Hey Apu, this bag of ice has a head in it.
Apu: Ooh, a head bag! Those are choc-full of... heady goodness!
Bart: (pulls Bobo out of the bag of ice) Hey, it's a teddy bear. Gross, it's probably diseased or something. Here Maggie.
Homer: Maggie, I'm trying to watch TV. Put that moldy old bear down. (he gasps) Moldy? Old? I'm gonna get something to eat!
Homer: Who needs his money? We're getting by okay. (Grampa crashes a Ute through the Simpsons' wall.)
Grampa: Son, you gotta help me! I hit three people on the way over here, and I don't have any insurance! (pause) So, how's my Ute?
Homer: Mmm... sixty four slices of American cheese...
Homer: My life can't get any worse.
Smithers: Homer Simpson, report for "much worse" duties.
Barney the Dinosaur: Two plus two is four, two plus two is four, two plus two is four, two plus two is four...
Homer: (chuckling) I can see why this is so popular.
Nelson: My old man can't get a beer because his old man won't give a bear to another old man. Let's get him!
Jimbo: Wait! Why are we gettin' him?
Martin: Look, gentlemen. The first snapdragon of the season!
Nelson: Never mind. Let's just get him!
Mr. Burns: (on TV) Smithers, I'm home! (canned laughter)
Smithers: What, already? (more canned laughter)
Mr. Burns: Yes. (more canned laughter)
Lisa: Is it just me, or is TV getting worse?
Homer: Eh, it's about the same.
Mr. Burns: Smithers, I'm so happy. Something amazing has happened, I'm actually happy. Take a note! From now on, I'm only going to be good and kind to everyone.
Smithers: I'm sorry sir, I don't have a pencil.
Mr. Burns: Oh, don't worry, I'm sure I'll remember it.
Homer: Well, we didn't get any money, but Mr. Burns got what he wanted. Marge, I'm confused. Is this a happy ending or a sad ending?
Marge: It's an ending, that's enough.
Homer: Maggie, I'm trying to watch TV. Put that moldy old bear down! (realizing) Moldy? Old? I'm gonna get something to eat!