You couldn’t fool your own mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine!— Homer
Mr. Burns: We need some excitement around here!
Smithers: Chinese checkers or domestic, sir?
Mr. Burns: No, no. Something fun. Something the men will enjoy... like a safety drill! But what kind? Meltdown alert? Mad dog drill? Blimp attack? Ah... I think a good old-fashioned fire drill today.
Mr. Burns: Is it supposed to take this long? What's a good time for a mass evacuation of the entire plant?
Smithers: Forty five seconds.
Mr. Burns: And what's our time so far?
Smithers: I don't know, sir. This stopwatch only goes up to fifteen minutes.
Marge: Don't worry, kids. This is a national park. We can have lots of fun!
Ranger: Oh, I'm afraid that's no longer true, ma'am. Budget cutbacks have forced us to eliminate anything the least bit entertaining.
Smithers: Now pair off as I draw your names. Lenny and... Carl.
Carl: Aw nuts! (Lenny looks upset) I mean, uh... Aw nuts.
Smithers: Sir, this can't be right. You assured me this drawing was rigged so we'd be teammates.
Mr. Burns: Yes, well, frankly, you've been a bit of a pill lately.
Smithers: Why do we always fight on vacation?
Bart: I have a watch with a minute hand.
Smithers: All right, you can come. What time is it?
Bart: 12:80. No wait. Wait. What comes after 12?
Bart: No, after twelve!
Marge: Excuse me, sir? I can't find my children.
Ranger: Have you checked the woods?
Ranger: Hmm. Follow me. We'll take the chair lift. It'll give us an eagle-eye view of the area directly beneath the chair lift.
Homer: You know, Mr. Burns, you're the richest guy I know. Way richer than Lenny.
Mr. Burns: Oh yes. But I'd trade it all for a little more.
Bart: Sharing is a bunch of bull, too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
Homer: Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
Homer: I think I won, Mr. Burns.
Mr. Burns: (menacingly) Yes, you won, all right. You won more than you bargained for...
Mr. Burns: Tell me, Simpson. If an opportunity arose for taking a small shortcut, you wouldn't be adverse to taking it, would you?
Homer: Uhh, not as such.
Mr. Burns: Neither would I. I've always felt that there's far too much hysteria these days about so-called cheating. If you can take advantage of a situation in some way, it's your duty as an American to do it. Why should the race always be to the swift or the jumble to the quick-witted? Should they be allowed to win merely because of the gifts God gave them? Well, I say cheating is the gift man gives himself!
Homer: Mr. Burns, I insist that we cheat.
Mr. Burns: Excellent.
Mr. Burns: Oh, yes, sitting. The great leveler. From the mightiest Pharaoh to the lowliest peasant, who doesn't enjoy a good sit?
Carl: According to the map, the cabin should be right here.
Lenny: Hey, maybe there is no cabin. Maybe it's one of them metaphorical things.
Carl: Oh yeah, yeah... Like maybe the cabin is the place inside each of us, created by our goodwill and teamwork.
Lenny: Oh! ...Nah, they said there would be sandwiches.
Homer: We could build snowmen.
Mr. Burns: No, I have a better idea! We could build real men, out of snow!
Lisa: Mr. Smithers, Mr. Smithers! I found another injured shrew. I think this one has a twisted ankle.
Smithers: Twisted ank... Aren't there any healthy animals in this forest?
Mr Burns: Look at those snowmen in our warm clothes. Mocking us.
Homer: Uh, they're just snowmen, Mr. Burns.
Mr Burns: Oh snowmen have peepers, peepers to watch...watch for your moment of weakness then BAM!
Homer: Aah, what do we do?
Mr Burns: (menacingly) Oh, wouldn't you like to know?
Lenny: Hey, we're the first two here, and it's all thanks to teamwork.
Carl: Yeah, my teamwork.
Smokey: Only WHO can prevent forest fires? (Bart presses "You") You pressed "you", referring to me. The correct answer is "you".
Bart: Mom, can Lisa and I play outside, away from the bear?