I would like to see this money spent on more police officers. I have been shot eight times this year and as a result I almost missed work.— Apu
Skinner: I'll tell you something that's not so funny. Right now, Superintendent Chalmers is at home crying like a little girl. (students laugh) Well, I guess it is a little funny.
Skinner: A principal's ransom in stolen goods! Well, sir, who's "Ha-ha"-ing now?
Nelson: I dunno. But he's got lethal tuna breath.
Skinner: All right, Mr. Smartenheimer, that does it. First, you're going to give back everything you've stolen. Then, I'm sentencing you to one week of the lowest, most degrading work known to man - janitorial work.
Willy: Ah, geez. I'm standing right here, sir.
Skinner: Ah, yes. Uh... Take a good look at him, Nelson, 'cause that's where you're headed.
Lisa: (writing on blackboard) How does Bart do this every week?
Marge: An automatic dialer? Is that legal? I don't want you getting arrested, Homer.
Homer: I won't.
Marge: Or swindling our neighbors.
Homer: Uh...let me show you how it works.
Homer: Now we just sit by the mailbox and watch the money roll in.
Marge: But you're going to annoy thousands of people just to make a few measly dollars. It's nothing but panhandling.
Lisa: Nuke the whales? You don't really believe that, do you?
Nelson: I don't know. Gotta nuke something.
Jimbo: You kissed a girl? That is SO gay!
Marge: Well, most women will tell you that you're a fool to think you can change a man. But those women are quitters! When I first met your father, he was loud, oafish and rude. But I worked hard and now, he's a whole different person.
Marge: (forcefully) He's a whole different person, Lisa.
Nelson: Alright, alright, I lied. Let's kiss.
Lisa: No you dont understand, Nelson. A kiss dosent mean anything if its dishonest.
Nelson: Um... there's a niceness to it.
Lisa: I was foolish to think I'd actually changed you Maybe I was seeing things in you that weren't really there.
Homer: (phone message) Greetings, friends...
Ned: (hangs up) Shoot!
Maude: That is it, Ned! If you don't unplug that phone right now, you're sleeping on the lawn.
Homer: (from his room) Will you two shut up?! People are trying to sleep!