I’ll keep it short and sweet: Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.— Burns
Homer: Aw, you guys are pathetic. No wonder Smithers made me head bee-guy.
Mr. Burns: Hello, Simpson. My lawyers and I were in the neighborhood and thought we'd stop by.Hello, Simpson. My lawyers and I were in the neighborhood and thought we'd stop by.
Marge: Would you like to come in for tea and marshmallow squares?
Lawyer: (confers with the others) Yes, he would.
Mr. Burns: Oh, and one more thing: you must find the jade monkey before the next full moon.
Smithers: Actually sir, we found the jade monkey; it was in your glove compartment.
Mr. Burns: And the road maps, and ice scraper?
Smithers: They were in there too, sir.
Mr. Burns: Excellent! It's all falling into place...
Homer: It was the most I ever threw up, and it changed my life forever.
Homer: (reading his college rejection letters) D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Woohoo - a flyer for a hardware store! D'oh!
Bart: Well, Pop, what are you going to do?
Homer: (assertively) Something I should have done a long time ago.
Marge: You don't know, do you?
Homer: (weakly) No, ma'am.
Homer: Woohoo! I'm a college man! I won't need my high school diploma any more! (burns it) I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T...I mean S-M-A-R-T!
Homer: Marge, try to understand. There are two kinds of college students: jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time.
Homer: But Marge, we're college guys and we're up to no good!
Benjamin: Mr. Simpson, Gary spilled his ear medicine.
Gary: Oh, don't worry, Mr. Simpson, we can take care of ourselves.
Snake: Uh, wallet inspector!
Benjamin: Oh, here you go. I believe that's all in order.
Homer: Don't worry, I've been working on a plan. During the exam, I'll hide under some coats, and hope that somehow everything will work out.
College Professor: Welcome to Nuclear Physics 101. I see a lot of new faces, but you know the old saying, out with the old and in with the nucleus. (everyone but Homer laughs) So, we will get started with... (drops notecards) whoops!
Homer: (laughs loudly) Did you see that jerk?! Dropped his notes!! (laughs even louder)