I can’t believe a convicted felon would get so many votes, and another convicted felon would get so few.— Lisa
Announcer: The state lottery, where everybody wins! (very quickly) Actual odd of winning one in three hundred and eighty million.
Homer: (on the phone) Bart, I need some lucky numbers, fast! How old are you? Uh-huh. And what's your birthday? No kidding. And what's Lisa's birthday? What? You don't know your sister's birthday? What kind of brother are you?
Homer: You don't understand, Marge. The lottery is the one ray of hope in my otherwise unbearable life! (pause) Uh, the lottery and you.
Kent Brockman: But there's already one big winner: Our state school system, which gets fully half the profits from the library.
Skinner: Just think what we can buy with that money... History books that know how the Korean War came out. Math books that don't have that base six crap in them! And a state-of-the-art detention hall, where children are held in place by magnets.
Teacher: Magnets, always with the magnets.
Wiggum: (during the lottery) No, you got the wrong number, this is nine-one... two.
Marge: Well, we lost the money, but at least we still have each other.
Grampa: Hey, the dog's dead.
Mr. Burns: Dogs are idiots! Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you say?
Smithers: If you did it, sir?
Homer: Marge, I've figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of traveling acrobats!
Homer: Well, he's got all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy.
Marge: What's that?
Homer: A dinosaur!
Marge: Remember, doggie heaven?
Homer: Oh, Marge, there is no such place! (Marge coughs suggestively) Or, to put it another way... there is.
Bart: I'm not giving up. I don't care if I have to knock on every door in this two-bit town. I'm going to find my dog!
Homer: And I'll be right here watching TV!
Homer: I wanna pet him again!
Marge: You can pet the cat.
Homer: The cat? What's the point?