Mr. Scorpio says productivity is up 2%, and it’s all because of my motivational techniques, like donuts and the possibility of more donuts to come.— Homer
Dad Dinosaur: Would you turn off that rock-and-rock music?
Boy Dinosaur: Hey, don't have a stegosaurus, man!
Sideshow Bob: Ah, Mr. Simpson, you're forgetting the first two noble truths of the Buddha.
Homer: I am not!
Homer: Gee, if some snot-nosed little kid sent me to prison, the first thing out, I'd find out where he lives, and tear him a new belly button!
Sideshow Bob: Selma, would you mind if I did something bold and shocking in front of your family?
Selma: All right. But no tongues.
Sideshow Bob: Although kissing you would be like kissing some divine ashtray, that's not what I had in mind. Selma, will you marry me?
Bart: Don't be a fool, Aunt Selma! That man is scum!
Selma: Then call me Mrs. Scum!
Bart: Chief Wiggum, you've been around. You don't trust Sideshow Bob, do you?
Wiggum: Ah, lighten up, son. If he was going to commit a crime, would he have invited the number one cop in town? Now where did I put my gun?
Krusty: This guy walks into a bar and takes out a tiny piano and a twelve-inch pianist. Oh no, wait! I can't tell that one!
Sideshow Bob: Bart, I must know. How did you untangle my web?
Wiggum: Yeah, Bart, pull us in!
Bart: Well, I'd hate to tell the number one cop in town how to do his job.
Wiggum: No no, please. It's the only way I'll learn.