I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.— Homer
Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Homer: You never know when an old calendar might come in handy. Sure, it's not 1985 now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?
Homer: Bart! With $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things... like love!
Marge: Or double-ply windows. They look just like regular windows but they'll save us 4% on our heating bill...
Homer: I really think this is a bad idea.
Marge: Marge, I agree with you, in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory.
Homer: Maybe if we tied it down so it couldn't move it wouldn't get so hungry.
Lisa: You can't do that, Dad, it's cruel!
Homer: Oh, everything's cruel according to you. Keeping him chained up in the back yard is cruel. Pulling on his tail is cruel. Yelling in his ears is cruel. Everything is cruel. Well, excuse me if I'm cruel!
Homer: Mmm... elephant fresh.
Homer: These bills will have to paid out of your allowance.
Bart: You'll have to raise my allowance to about $a thousand dollars a week.
Homer: Then that's what I'll do, smart guy.
Homer: Look at this, Marge: $58 and all of it profit! I'm the smartest businessman in the world.
Marge: Stampy's food bill today was $300.
Homer: Marge, please, don't humiliate me in front of the money.
Lisa: Dad, I think he's an ivory dealer! His boots are ivory, his hat is ivory, and I'm pretty sure that check is ivory.
Homer: Lisa, a guy who's got lots of ivory is less likely to hurt Stampy than a guy whose ivory supplies are low.
Blackheart: All right, I'll be back in the morning to pick up Stampy.
Homer: Here's the keys.
Blackheart: Elephants don't have keys.
Homer: Well, I'll just keep these then.
Homer: (hits a deer statue) D'oh!
Lisa: A deer!
Marge: A female deer.
Homer: It's okay, I'm pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First, I'll reach in and pull my legs out. Now I'll pull my arms out with my face.